I think one of the long term effects of infertility that people don’t talk about is an intense paranoia about health related issues. As I stated when I was pregnant, when you are used to things going wrong, you just keep assuming that is what is going to happen. I hoped that would stop after I gave birth, but the truth is, I love these boys so much, I cannot stop fretting about their own health issues. While it is true that both of them have required trips to specialists so far (with more trips to come), it is also true that they are both gaining weight and growing, and so by that measure, they are doing fine. Just as when Knightley was a puppy and I didn’t know what I was doing and I hated that he couldn’t tell me when he was feeling well, I have spent sleepless nights stressing out about every little sound I hear the boys make.
In the first month, I have also dealt with all of the feeding issues – the fact that the boys aren’t good at latching, the fact that I had to work incredibly hard to get a decent milk supply (that still has to be supplemented with formula), and the fact that I measure my days by how much milk I am able to pump. I have seen the specialist doctor about the pain issues I have with breastfeeding too. No one prepared me for how painful it has been. However, I have been reassured because the babies are growing and they are getting the antibodies that I have produced (which is particularly useful considering I was sick a solid three weeks of the first month – one week with the flu, two weeks with a terrible cold). The doctors have made me feel so much better about my abilities, and they still give me hope that Desmond can learn to latch.
So things have been tough in a way that maybe I wasn’t completely prepared for – the sickness in addition to the sleeplessness, the pain in addition to the supply issues. But at the end of one month I have two beautiful boys that I love so much.
I love that face on Desmond, so that is the picture that I had to include here. Both boys make the funniest faces.