One Month and Still Going

I think one of the long term effects of infertility that people don’t talk about is an intense paranoia about health related issues. As I stated when I was pregnant, when you are used to things going wrong, you just keep assuming that is what is going to happen. I hoped that would stop after I gave birth, but the truth is, I love these boys so much, I cannot stop fretting about their own health issues. While it is true that both of them have required trips to specialists so far (with more trips to come), it is also true that they are both gaining weight and growing, and so by that measure, they are doing fine. Just as when Knightley was a puppy and I didn’t know what I was doing and I hated that he couldn’t tell me when he was feeling well, I have spent sleepless nights stressing out about every little sound I hear the boys make.

In the first month, I have also dealt with all of the feeding issues – the fact that the boys aren’t good at latching, the fact that I had to work incredibly hard to get a decent milk supply (that still has to be supplemented with formula), and the fact that I measure my days by how much milk I am able to pump. I have seen the specialist doctor about the pain issues I have with breastfeeding too. No one prepared me for how painful it has been. However, I have been reassured because the babies are growing and they are getting the antibodies that I have produced (which is particularly useful considering I was sick a solid three weeks of the first month – one week with the flu, two weeks with a terrible cold). The doctors have made me feel so much better about my abilities, and they still give me hope that Desmond can learn to latch.

So things have been tough in a way that maybe I wasn’t completely prepared for – the sickness in addition to the sleeplessness, the pain in addition to the supply issues. But at the end of one month I have two beautiful boys that I love so much.

I love that face on Desmond, so that is the picture that I had to include here. Both boys make the funniest faces.

5 thoughts on “One Month and Still Going

  1. I wish we lived in the same city so I could come over and give you a hug and tell you it’s going to be okay. And then we could commiserate and cry together. I had feeding issues with A and almost gave up on breastfeeding. I ended up getting him evaluated for tongue tie and he got clipped under his tongue. Nothing improved after that and we went through the “triple feeding” for almost 2 months – feed him at the breast, then bottle, then pump, and then do it all over again two hours later. Then one day he figured it out. I have no explanation. I’ve had to give him formula and keep reminding myself that it’s not all or nothing. You’re doing the best that you can. Good job, mama.

  2. Ah yes, the triple feeding! It is what I have been doing since the beginning with the twins. I figure I am giving myself one more month doing all three X 2 and then dropping something (but it won’t be the formula, as I have to supplement). My doctor, who is awesome, told me what I am doing is just unsustainable with twins, but that I am awesome for refusing to give up, so that has made me feel a lot better. Also, I just pumped in the car for the first time today. That was an interesting experience. I am so glad that A figured it out, Mari! One of the boys can at least latch with the nipple shield (which is about the most painful thing ever, but at least he gets milk that way), but the other, not so much. We are going back to the doctor this week to work on it again.

  3. The nipple shield was the only way A would latch at all in the beginning. Have you met with a lactation consultant yet? I went at least 7 times and let them watch while I tried to feed him. Sometimes their advice was good, sometimes not. I’ll be thinking of you!

  4. I was just going to ask the same thing. Are you working with a lactation specialist? I found them to be SOOOO much more helpful than the doctor. And, they will come to your home. They are actually covered by insurance now under Obamacare. So, you should definitely check into it.

    But, I remember those days of breast feeding and pumping…parts of it I miss and parts of it I definitely don’t. Good for you for trying! I can’t imagine how hard it would be with twins after having done it with just one.

  5. With twins, the lactation specialists were in my room every day when I was in the hospital because UNC hospital is one of those UN certified breastfeeding hospitals. Then, I have had several follow-up appointments with them. They finally referred me to the doctor who is THE breastfeeding expert at UNC, who has been great. I have another follow-up appointment with her on Thursday. She has been by far the best with helping.

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