Another New Plan

Last Friday, I had my follow up appointment with my doctor when David and I discussed next steps following the miscarriage.  I tried to hold it together at the appointment to discuss things in a rational way and was proud of myself for being able to do that (I still never know at which moment I am going to lose it; today, looking at Prince George’s Christening picture in the news did it).  The good news is that we have four decent frozen embryos in storage, so that should give us at least a few more tries. However, there is no guarantee that any of those embryos will survive being thawed out, and I also know that pregnancy rates are lower from frozen embryo transfers than from fresh transfers.

Can I just say that the hardest thing is to find the balance between being hopeful and optimistic versus realistic and prepared for negative outcomes? It is so very, very hard.  I really don’t know what I am supposed to be feeling about this.  I really want to be hopeful that we have some really good chances left for success, but I am so scared of having those hopes come crashing down again like what happened this time.  My goodness, I have never had such difficult feelings to wrestle with in my entire life.

So meanwhile, as I try to come to terms with my emotions, I am back on birth control to try to regulate my cycle so that I can have a frozen embryo transfer sometime before the end of the calendar year.  I don’t know exactly when that will be as it will be based on how well my uterus gets back to normal after the miscarriage.  I hope it will be sooner, rather than later.

If you think I am rushing things, you are right.  One way or another, I really want to be done with this.  When those four little embryos are used up, I will be finished. Hopefully, I will be successfully pregnant and actually have a baby before that happens.  If not, I will still be done, because I will finally need to move out of this stage of my life.  It is too hard to have hovered here for so long and I don’t want to spend many years in the future constantly grieving over repeated failures if it isn’t going to happen.

As long as I still have those little embryos waiting for me, I won’t give up just yet.

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