Governor Parry Teaches Us All

I have been negligent in posting as of late as it is the beginning of the school year and I have been very, very busy.  Aside from the new school year typical stresses, there have been plenty of other anxiety-inducing events as of late. Aside from the threat of a possible hurricane, let me focus on something else that is giving me a serious cause for concern. Yes, the election for President is still over a year away. Yet, that didn’t stop me from stressing out the moment that I heard my least-favorite politician, Rick Perry, declare his candidacy for President. I don’t want to dwell on politics, but let me just tell you fundamentally, right now, that Rick Perry is just about the last person in America that I would probably ever vote for.  Ever.

Rick Perry is not an intelligent person.  When you read that Rick Perry made Cs and Ds all through his college years at Texas A&M, you don’t get the feeling that it was because he had other important family commitments or other legitimate concerns that took him away from his school work (or that his major was particularly hard). No, when you hear Rick Perry speak, you realize that Cs and Ds speak volumes about his actual intelligence level, and if anything, were probably too generous.  The man is a buffoon that somehow has ably managed a career of getting other people to like him enough to vote for him. You don’t have to know me very well that this is the exact thing in life that everything to the core of my being is against.  A lazy, stupid guy with good hair, talking smack and schmoozing others to vote for him. I can handle that most politicians aren’t more intelligent than my family members, friends, or myself. I cannot handle a President who not only is completely stupid but shows nothing but contempt for educated, intelligent people.

Let’s take Mr. Perry’s view on science, for example. Obviously, someone as well-read and scholarly as Rick Perry isn’t going to be tricked by scientists into believing that climate change is taking place! No way!  Not only does he not believe in global warming, but he is going to do his good ole’ boy American duty and keep those ridiculous fact-checkers across America quite busy over the next two years as he makes up facts to support his position.  Oh yes, stay tuned to the Washington Post Fact Checker, my friends.  Rick Perry is going to keep those writers very, very busy.  Of course, Rick Perry isn’t afraid of going toe to toe with a kid asking a question about evolution either. Now this sounds like the kind of president American grade school children can support! Some say 2+2=4; some say 2+2=4506; YOU DECIDE! Let the kids decide the facts, come ‘on! They are practically adults anyway! (Sidenote: In case you didn’t know, I was referencing this Michael Scott quotation from The Office: “I don’t get why parents are always complaining about how tough it is to raise kids. You joke around with them, you give them pizza, you give them candy, you let them live their lives… They’re adults, for God’s sake.”).

So now that we know that Rick Perry is a firm believer in the Michael Scott theory of Educational Reform, what else can he offer America?

I can sum it up this way:

Rick Perry is quite simply the only presidential candidate from the state of Texas that can make me nostalgic for President Bush.  As it turns out, President Bush is a Mensa candidate compared to Governor Perry. (Like I said before, I will always give due credit to President Bush when it comes to his Africa policy, particularly toward South Sudan.  Kudos, President Bush, for that. I am pretty sure Rick Perry wouldn’t have done the same. It is doubtful that dude couldn’t place Sudan on a map. I don’t think Perry knows the geography of anywhere other than Texas, Iowa, and South Carolina.)

If the fact that talented middle-schoolers across America are more intelligent than Rick Perry doesn’t turn you off from voting for him then maybe the fact that he is probably the most corrupt politician running for President will.  Governor Perry has never worked outside of the public sector.  He is the textbook definition of a career politician, because that is all that he has been since he left the Air Force.  And yet now, this guy is a millionaire?  Wait! How did that happen?  Why, through shady real estate deals with special interests of course! It could only happen in Texas, the one state with fewer ethics laws than the Democratic Republic of Congo (‘Cause remember, regulations are the spawn of Satan! Beelzebub himself authors the Federal Register, and the editor of the Code of Federal Regulations…Hitler!).  When Governor Perry derides unemployed Americans and talks about cutting off Social Security and Medicare for your grandmother, remember who has benefited the most from “government spending.” It isn’t the poor lady that lives ten minutes away from your middle class neighborhood who is struggling to feed her children with $20 in Food Stamps a week. It is the governor of the great state of Texas, who was able to become a millionaire through being  a “public servant.”  In the Bible that I read, Jesus had names for these kind of people.  But I think Rick Perry’s version of the scriptures must be missing those pages.  In fact, in spite of all of Rick Perry’s pious talk, he couldn’t be much bothered with actually giving back in the way of financial contributions to his church.  Why would he? His church didn’t donate to his campaign!  After all, what kind of politician would Perry be without the good old-fashioned back-scratching he offered up his best donors?  He gives back, and he gives it back good if you are a millionaire donor! Not so much, of course, if you are a school-aged child or an unemployed American.

This is what passes as a leading Presidential Candidate these days.  Excuse me while I weep into my hands for the next ten minutes.

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