Days When I Made Mixes

I really don’t make mix CDs anymore. In fact, it has been several years since I have made a mix CD. I made many mixes back when I looked like this:

And also when I looked like this:

I was younger, more earnest and full of emotion. I wrote volumes of journal entries, documenting every emotional moment and was obsessed with finding the exact musical expression of what I was feeling so deeply. I was full of angst and emotion, and had the outlets of heartfelt music (silently swaying at Interpol shows downtown) and thoughtful, if indulgent, writing. When David and I started dating over a distance of 3,000 miles, my mix CDs could convey everything that I couldn’t by close proximity with such titles as “David James is a Superhero” or “Monkeys and Volcanoes”.

But then I moved to Seattle and my hair grew out. And as the years went by, I started obsessing more about the perfect eye cream to prevent the lines forming around my eyes from becoming more pronounced. I became content to listen to whatever song Pandora picked for me next instead of obsessing about the perfect follow-up to the Smiths or Belle and Sebastian. I stopped handwriting volumes of journal entries and became content with whatever limited information I could hurriedly type on weekend afternoons on my blog. Sure, technology made my life easier, I could remove the obsessiveness from making the perfect mix when I was confident that Pandora understood my musical tastes and preferences and would make those decisions for me. But at what cost? I realize, that I surrendered my own private sphere by no longer thinking in depth with the conveniences that technology afforded me.

So although I may be too old to stand for hours at General Admission concerts, waiting for Paul Banks to speak to me like prophesy from the stage, I am attempting to reclaim my youthful earnestness and feeling more deeply again. Maybe I can even put together a new mix about this.

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