Who is to blame?

I could list out 101 reasons why I should never have chosen to become an attorney. Yesterday, was more manifestations of those reasons. I appeared at an asylum interview for a client I have from Somalia. It was a trainwreck. Today, and probably for all of the days forward, I will continue to blame myself for everything that goes wrong, not only in this case, but in every single case that I handle. I have such a trememdous guilt conscience that I can somehow trace everything that goes wrong in the world back to some deficiency in me. The collective weight of the world’s sins are somehow my fault.
Writing it like that, it seems the most unreasonable proposition one can make. Yet somehow, it seems entirely logical in my mind. This is why I cannot be an attorney. I cannot stop blaming myself when things go wrong in people’s lives, with whom I interact. When I don’t win, the fault for losing the case is entirely on me. Perhaps if I was doing some type of law where the outcome of the cases didn’t affect people in such a personal way I could deal with it. But when losing means my client potentially being deported back to a war torn county that has lacked a central government for 16 years, I just cannot deal with it. I cannot. Maybe I can give her my life and my identity and I can go back to Somalia in her stead. That can be my penance. She can be Leslie, Mississippi born. It is the only thing that seems right.

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